Dirty Jokes

Post your best dirty jokes.


EDIT by Unit7:

All posts in here must contain a dirty joke from now on. If you need one, just google them and look around.

Hannah_Banana222 wrote:Post your best dirty jokes.

my friend actually told this one at lunch the other day


How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

o.O
oh public school, look what you have done to my innocence...haha

Disturbing and yet so fun

WKUK at its finest xD

Malletmusic17 wrote:

Hannah_Banana222 wrote:Post your best dirty jokes.

my friend actually told this one at lunch the other day


How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

o.O
oh public school, look what you have done to my innocence...haha

Lol! That made me laugh.
I agree, public schools these days, but i love public school. Well, most of the time I am the person making "that's what she said" jokes, but they aren't that dirty *sighs*

joselin4life wrote:

Malletmusic17 wrote:

Hannah_Banana222 wrote:Post your best dirty jokes.

my friend actually told this one at lunch the other day


How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

o.O
oh public school, look what you have done to my innocence...haha

Lol! That made me laugh.
I agree, public schools these days, but i love public school. Well, most of the time I am the person making "that's what she said" jokes, but they aren't that dirty *sighs*

i love TWSS jokes.
especially on my Y day lunches, its me and a bunch of low brass members
the percussion and low brass are considered the dirtyest minded of the band haha
its a lot of thats what she said jokes hahaha

Malletmusic17 wrote:

joselin4life wrote:

Malletmusic17 wrote:

Hannah_Banana222 wrote:Post your best dirty jokes.

my friend actually told this one at lunch the other day


How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

o.O
oh public school, look what you have done to my innocence...haha

Lol! That made me laugh.
I agree, public schools these days, but i love public school. Well, most of the time I am the person making "that's what she said" jokes, but they aren't that dirty *sighs*

i love TWSS jokes.
especially on my Y day lunches, its me and a bunch of low brass members
the percussion and low brass are considered the dirtyest minded of the band haha
its a lot of thats what she said jokes hahaha

Lol! You guys remind me of me and my friends, but we aren't in band.!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, & made a
startling
discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be
cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have
something to
show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so
I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned
thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Those are just awesome Rex.

Dude. We should only post accompanied by a joke. It will keep the spam way


It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'




-------


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

-------

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."



-


A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Great as always and your right. If your going to post in here, you need a dirty joke.

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Haha! I am loving those jokes, Unit and Rex!

To contribute to the no-spam policy! :p

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Thanks for the edit, Unit. I was thinking about adding that in myself.

So...
The night before Thanksgiving, a little boy overhears his parents fighting. "You bitch!" his father yells, to which his mother replies, "You bastard!"
After a few hours, they make up and decide to have sex. "Put your penis in my vagina," she commands.
The next morning, the kid confronts his parents.
"What's a bitch? What's a bastard?"
"A bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy."
"What's a penis? What's a vagina?"
"A penis is a scarf. A vagina is a hat."
Later, when his mom burns her finger on the roasting pan, she yells, "Fuck!"
"What's fuck?"
"It's a way to cook a turkey."
He then walks in on his dad shaving. "Shit!" he yells when he cuts himself.
"What's shit?"
"It's a brand of shaving cream."
Once again, the boy is satisfied. When guests arrive, he answers the door.
"Good afternoon, bitches and bastards! May I take your penises and vaginas? My mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my dad's in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face."

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."


This joke was submitted by:
Kevbo

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn�t because she didn�t have any clothes on. He replies, �Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!�

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I�m sorry, I think he's too far in."

......ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!!

A midget with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse. He goes to a farmer, who asks him if he wants a male or female horse. He chooses female, but he wants to inspect her first. The farmer shows the midget a horse. "Thats a nice horthe," he says, "but can you lift me up tho I can thee her eyeth?" The farmer picks up the midget and brings him to the horse's face. "Now can I thee her thoulder?" The farmer lifts him to the horse's shoulder. "I like this horthe. But can I thee her twat?" The farmer lifts the midget to the horse's backside and puts his face in her twat. When he puts him down, the midget says, "No, let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her run?"

Ok, I'll have to contribute a little at a time. I know WAY too many dirty jokes to just post them all at once

So, one afternoon to women decide two go for a bike ride together. They stay out later than normal, chatting as they wind through the streets.

Eventually they realize that it is getting dark and that they need to turn back.

One woman turns to her friend and says, "I'm scared...I've never come this way before."

And her friend replies, "Yeah...it must be the cobblestones."

More to come....

Can't forget the classic

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

Author unknown

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their breasts stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
26. Birthdays, Valentine's, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
27. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
28. You have enough clothes.
29. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
30. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad is probably an idiot, too.
31. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
32. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
33. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
34. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
35. Foreign film are best left to foreigners.
36. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.


and a long one

3 minute management course

*Lesson 1*

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in towel

and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the

next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800

to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her

towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her

£800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back

upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband

says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: *If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position

to prevent avoidable exposure. *


*Lesson 2*

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing

her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing

gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the

flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his

arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: *If you are not well informed in your job, you might

miss a great opportunity.*




*Lesson 3*

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The

Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!"

says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. " I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my

life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: *Always let your boss have the first say.*


*Lesson 4*

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw

the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The

eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below

the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the

rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: **To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very, very high up.*


*Lesson 5*

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and

found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of

the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at

the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out

of the tree.

Moral of the story: *BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep

you there.*


*Lesson 6*

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird

froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,

a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there

in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was

actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began

to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to

investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the

pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

**(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy**

**(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend***

**(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!***

*This ends the 3-minute management course.*

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

A man goes to see a doctor about a stuttering problem. After an examination the doctor tells him the problem is his dick is to long its 14inches. I will have to remove half to clear up your speech problem. The man thinks for a while and agrees.

A month later the man returns for a checkup and tells the doctor he is speaking fine and thanks for all his help. Then the man ask what did you do with the extra 7inch you took off? The doctor replied, " Nah nah nahnone oofff your bah bah bahbuisnessss".

What if Jesus was a jerk....

Jesus! #gallery-1 { margin: auto; } #gallery-1 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 100%; } #gallery-1 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-1 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } window.fbAsyncInit = function() { FB.init({appId: "123732997649222", status: true, cookie: true, xfbml: true}); }; (function() { var e = document.createElement("script"); e.async = true; e.src = document.location.protocol + "https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js"; document.getElementById("fb-root").appendChild(e); }());

Rex. I died laughing.
And now I'm laughing as a zombie.
... I love Jesus's thrusts.